"Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down..."

Scene: the news desk of Continental News Network (CNN), anchor person Tom Brokar reporting the latest in news from the nation's capitol.
Tom Brokar: Hello - this is Tom Brokar of the Continental News Network, bringing you the latest on the war of rebellion. Our reporter, Peter Jensing, is on the scene at an undisclosed location in the nation's capitol. Peter, what do you have for us...?
Peter Jensing: Tom, I'm here speaking via saddle-light with King George II and his two closest advisors, Richard the Lyin' Heart, and his top law enforcement officer, Sheriff John Asscough, and we're discussing the progress in putting down the war of rebellion, as it has come to be called. Your Highness, what can you tell us...?
King George II: Well, Peter, these are indeed difficult times - times that try the patience of Job, if you know what I mean. We're at war, and as commander-in-chief I couldn't not not come to the support of our dedicated fighting men as they meet this evil enemy.
Peter Jensing: Your Highness - tell us, it is such a long way away from home, communications with your commanders is difficult and complicated by major distances from the home land, it's a foreign environment, and the people are hostile to your presence here - they don't want you here - would you care to comment?
King George II: Now, Peter - let me help you get your facts straight. The people of this great young country, they're good people. Good people. They appreciate what we're doing here in the name of the people. They work hard, they care for their families, they go to church. Well, about this church thing - there are differences over this church thing, but that's another matter - the problem is that their leaders are intent on dividing us, not uniting us. They cause dissention, and frankly, are just mean-spirited about this religious freedom thing, not to mention the insignificant matter of taxation - it's a predicament, to be sure. But, it's the evil and godless leaders of insurrection that are carrying out what is obviously a religious war of vile extremes against us - it is the misguided leadership who have made this a war of terrorism. I tell you, Peter, if they want to use such uncivilized and despicable tactics, I just say, "Bring it on...!"
Peter Jensing: Your Highness, with all due respect, I must say from my interviews with colonial leaders and with the common man on the street here, I hear no hint of religious doctrine behind the opposition to your presence here. In fact, my sources tell me that it is clearly an issue of separation of religion and state, and freedom from taxation without representation, that under-girds the motives that have brought them to this point. They say it is clearly a political matter to do with freedom, and not religious or terrorist ideology. Your Highness - how do you respond to this?
King George II: Ok, Peter - I can see where you're going with this line of questioning. It is clear that the Continental News Network has a bias towards the agenda of the colonials. You should be ashamed of yourself. You should know you are abrogating your responsibility to present news in a fair and equitable manner, and you do a disservice to the common people by distorting our views. So, let me clarify for you - we're at war, make no mistake. And this is a wholly new kind of war for the New World order, one that the nations of the world have not encountered before. This will take extraordinary measures to quell, to handle in a manner to insure that civilization continues in the right direction. We are clearly at war, Peter. I am a "war king." I didn't seek this mantle - but now that it has been thrust upon my shoulders, I shan't shirk the call to arms. The rebels have brought the war to us, we didn't do anything to provoke this - they seek to destroy us and our system of government because they detest freedom, they abhor the very way of life that we represent, and they want to bring us down. This is a new kind of war, Peter - state sponsored terrorism is what it is. There's more - this regime has entered into an unholy alliance, a "Triangle of Evil" if you will, with the French and indigenous Indian tribes in the area. We're here with troops because of the people - it's for the people who love freedom that we're here, Peter - to protect them from this regime. Now, there is a cost associated with these actions, and the colonials have to take that into account.
Peter Jensing: Are you saying the colonials have to accept taxation without representation, your Highness?
King George II: Peter, I never said that; I prefer to think of it as investing in the future of freedom. Freedom isn't free, Peter.
Peter Jensing: I think I see what you're saying, your Highness - but as I have said before, in my extensive investigative research I've found no evidence of terrorist tactics on the part of the colonial forces. I'm puzzled by what you're saying, your Highness.

Ok, let's get another perspective, shall we? Sheriff John Asscough, are you in agreement that this is a war on terrorism? What do you see as being behind this so-called war of independence?
Sheriff John: Well, Peter, again, it's mainly this small group of evil leaders - you see it in everything they're doing, the very way they've gotten control of the people's minds, encouraging defiance of duly constituted government, violating civilized intercourse, withholding of taxes, the destruction of property - I don't have to remind you of all that tea that ended up in Boston harbor - and, of course the most seditious of all, stirring up dissent in time of war. Talk about weapons of mass disruption - here we have this Benjamin Franklin raising all sorts of nonsense, and we're expected to just lay down or go away? I think not. The core values of this band of rebels poses a major treat to the very survival of civilization and our way of life.
Peter Jensing: Ok, Sheriff Asscough - Well, I don't seem to be getting my question through here - let me come back to my question again - what are the specific acts of terrorism being done by the colonials? Richard the Lyin' Heart, would you take a shot at responding to this question?
Richard the Lyin' Heart: Sure, Peter - you want to know what exactly the colonials are doing that we consider terrorism? Here's what they do - they cowardly live and hide among the citizenry. Because they don't wear recognizable uniforms, it is impossible to distinguish the fighting men from non-combatants. This puts all innocent citizens in harm's way, you'll have to admit - innocent people are going to get hurt. Now, that isn't our intent, but you can't blame us for this result. Then they hide their weapons in cellars and in attics and corn cribs, and object to the quartering of royal troops in their homes, a clear sign they have something to hide, and a clear indication of where their loyalties lie. They sneakily shoot from behind rocks and trees, while royal troops wear their royal finery and march in ordered lines. They have thrown out the civilized rules of war - it is uncivilized and evil warfare waged against civilized mankind. Peter, we're in this war to stay, and we're in this war to win - we will take the war to the farthest reaches of the kingdom to root out this evil regime.
Peter Jensing: Well, we're out of time, gentlemen - your Highness, do you have any final words for our listeners?
King George II: Yes, Peter - these rebels don't know who they're dealing with - they've miscalculated the resolve of the royal intent. We're going to win this war against terrorism, Peter - mark my words. Now, watch me clobber this cricket ball...
Peter Jensing: Gentlemen, your Highness, thank you for spending this time with us. Well, there you have it from the nation's capitol, Tom - back to you. This is Peter Jensing, Continental News Network, Washington, the colonies...